Trust

One song that I am currently obsessed with is “Let You Go” by United Pursuit. I have added inserts of the song lyrics among my writing because it seemed to fit. It’s amazing how God uses songs to speak to us in every season of life.

Why?

We have sought the truth when we’ve felt the pain

Even wandered beyond our faith in the name

We cannot pretend we are always ok

We cannot depend on fast food grace

Can we all just say that it’s okay to not always be ok? When I first found out my mom was diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer during that dreaded phone call, my first question was, “Why?” I couldn’t help but wonder why it had to be my mom. What did she do to deserve this? I just wanted immediate answers to all of my “whys” but knew I wouldn’t get any—immediately at least. Immense pain, hurt, and confusion are a few of the emotions that I felt. Negative thoughts flooded my mind, and after I got over my selfishness, all I could think about is that my mom getting cancer must be for His glory. Nothing my mom necessarily did or didn’t do, but that the Lord would use her diagnosis for a greater purpose. His purpose.

 

Giving up Control, and Trusting God

Help me let You go Help me give up control

Of the god I’ve made you When my fear has contained you

Help me let You go Help me give up control

Of the god I’ve made you When my fear has contained you­

How will the Lord use my mom’s cancer diagnosis for His glory? There are specific ways that I am boldly praying for the Lord to use my mom’s situation to bring glory to His name. I have prayed for marriages to be restored, loved ones to come to know Christ intimately, for my mom to know my children, and a deep-rooted community for Chris and I. Doubt creeps into my mind, wondering when the Lord will answer my cries. Even at times, I have found myself trying to take matters into my own hands, only to be called “self-righteous” and told that I just don’t understand. I end up leaving conversations feeling defeated, and eventually stop checking in all together. Trying to be in control of situations and people’s decisions is something I’ve learned ends up in a total disaster. Imagine your worst nightmare—times ten. Control is not a friend of mine. Desiring to control situations leads me to trust in my own understanding, and discredit the Lord for who He is and what He can do. Now, more than ever, I have no control. My hope is in Him to answer my prayers, and to help me with my unbelief. No longer will my fear and doubt contain what my God is capable of. Even when the Lord seems to be unmoving, I know that He is doing greater things that I can’t see.

 

In the Storm, He is Still There

When the way is unclear and the answers illusive

He is different by far than our broken conclusions

You are not the god my pain has conceived

You are deeper and stronger than my eyes can see

In John 9, there is a sweet story about how Jesus healed a man who was born blind. His disciples believed the man was born blind because of something he or his parents did. I thought about how I questioned my mom’s cancer, and how I wondered what she did to deserve this. Was there some sin that she was being punished for? Verse three goes on to give Jesus’s reply to His disciples:

“It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in Him.”

Do I think that it was some sin my mom committed to bring this cancer on as a punishment? No. I cannot tell you all the works that God will do through my mom, but I do believe that His works will be displayed for all of you, witnesses, to see. It’s not always easy to think about the positive possibilities that might happen. How often do we find ourselves facing trials where we wonder, “Why?”

“Why do bad things happen to good people?”

“Why is my loved one sick?”

“Why has it been so challenging to find real, vulnerable community?”

“Why can’t we sell our house?”

“Why didn’t my relationship work out?”

The list could go on. Ask yourself, what is your why? Even though we may not understand or know the answer, sometimes it takes more than waiting. We are called to be obedient to Him, so maybe our answer requires taking a step of obedience to hear what He is trying to tell us. He has the best for us, but sometimes His perfect plan may not align with what we would like the outcome to be. However, I love knowing who our Creator is as a healer and provider. God has already shown how faithful He is during this season to my family, and I can’t help but well up with tears when  I think about what He’s done, because He has provided. HE IS FAITTHFUL—even in the storms. Now, rather than asking “why”, I am asking “what”. WHAT can God reveal and teach me through this? WHAT step can I take to bring glory to His  name? WHAT is He going to do in this season?

You are with us now You have always been

When we’re found without You’re found within

You are with us now You have always been

When we’re found without You are found within

John 9:15  says,

“So the Pharisees again asked him (the blind man) how he had received his sight. And he said to them, “He put mud on my eyes, and I washed, and I see.”

Wouldn’t that be amazing if my mom could just put mud on her body, then be cured? I’d like to think even though it may not be literal “mud”, that Jesus is giving my mom an opportunity to throw on “mud” and step into a role that allows His name to be exalted. He provided the directions to the blind man, and the blind man had faith in Him to take a step of obedience, and wash his eyes of the mud. The blind man came to see and follow Christ from this miraculous healing. Unfortunately, the Pharisees, even with physical evidence of the Savior standing right in front of them, were still blinded. Let us not be blinded or distracted from the thunder and lightning of our storms, when there are acts of kindness and mercy that God rains down upon us.  I’m believing in this Healer to rescue and restore my mom’s health not only for her to continue following Him, but for our cloud of witnesses and loved ones to come to know Christ. We’re praying and fighting daily for the Lord to get the glory.

Specific ways that you can pray for my mom right now are for her white blood cell counts to rise. She was able to receive treatment today, but her white blood cell count had dropped lower than we would like. My mom’s hair has started to come out—which calls for a “shaving party” as she likes to say. Pray for her to feel God’s love for her and to know her beauty radiates regardless if she has hair or not. “Let her be clothed with strength and dignity,”  Psalm 31 says. She has now completed three out of nine chemo treatments. The goal is for the doctor to perform surgery to remove all of the cancer once the nine rounds are done. We can pray that my mother is able to receive treatment each week so that surgery can happen sooner than later. My mom told my sister and I today, “She’s fighting like a boy, because she grew up with the boys!” She’s a tough, positive Cookie (get it?)! Thank you all for your continuous, healing prayers.

One final note I want to leave you with because I keep pulling out numerous little nuggets from Lysa TerKeurst’s Finding I Am, and I am taking this quote and using it as a prayer:

God, we need Your light. Light defeats darkness every time. I might not have all the answers to my struggles right now but I am seeing more hope than ever. Jesus is my light. And because of Him even my darkest of nights aren’t so daunting and confusing. Oh Jesus, bring Your light and with You I am comforted.

Amen.

Chemo Day 2

B-E Aggressive

Writing in the airport seems to be the common trend these days. Who needs to people watch, anyways? Thankfully, no men were snoring while I waited for my flight to start boarding. Boarding a plane never fails to be a fun experience. Everyone jumps out of their seat ten minutes before the first zone is called, then you get to “merge” together into one single file line. Some are more gracious than others, but it surprises me that people are oblivious to merging etiquette. I’m over here like, “Hello? I just let the person in front of you go, now you let me go.” Usually, I have a roller suitcase with me to make my presence known, but this time I chose to bring one single duffel bag. A small one at that. Let’s just say that three people went in front of me before I got my break through moment. I guess I need to be more aggressive. B-E aggressive.

In my mind, I seem to always have a chant or song for every event. No surprise that cheerleaders cheering me on to be aggressive comes to mind as I’m standing in line to get my boarding pass checked. Anyone else relate? I always thought I’d be a cheerleader or dancer, but my mom, Coach Cooke, always made it very clear that I would play sports—be an athlete, you know?

 

Momma Coach Cooke

From day one, my mom has always been “Coach Cooke” and “mom”. She was always there to push me to be my absolute best on the court/field. On the other hand, my mom would be there to cook, clean, and take me to get ice cream after practice. She wore both hats of “mom” and “Coach Cooke” so well, even though the when the two collided, the result wasn’t always pretty. I remember plenty of times being embarrassed to have my mom be in the same building, as “Coach Cooke”. I also remember being thankful for the comfort that having her close by provided. As much as I look back and cringe at some of the awkward, me being disrespectful, and embarrassing moments, I can’t help but be more thankful for all that she did for me I cannot tell her enough how much I have taken away from who she was for me as a mom AND coach during my teenage years.

I’ll give you a brief story from my middle school years. I was zoned for Lamar Middle School, but went to Briarhill instead because my mom was a coach there. I didn’t know anyone except maybe a handful of people. After I made the A team for volleyball, I was told by girls that I made the top team just because my mom was the coach, I was made fun of for my appearance, and you get the gist–girls can be downright mean. I can’t say I didn’t fall into that, because I wasn’t always the nicest person. I had become friends with the “cool crowd” and was invited over to one of their houses one evening for a party. My mom drove me over to the house that wasn’t lit, only to find out that the girl’s parents weren’t home. There weren’t any parents there, only a bunch of twelve and thirteen-year old’s with some alcohol in the basement. My mom didn’t leave like the other parents. Instead, she stayed to wait for the girl’s parents to get there…only to find out that they weren’t coming home any time soon. My face flushed with embarrassment, and I still recall what the pit in my stomach felt like. Although I was angry with my mom in that moment—no, I was mortified, I can’t help but look back and be grateful for how much she cared for me. Not only did she want me to be the best athlete that I could, but she wanted me to be the best person that I could. You see, she was my protector, provider, my coach, and my mom. She’s the mom that I aspire to be.

 

Running the Race

For all my former and current athletes, I don’t know about you, but Hebrews 12:1 was a scripture that would often be quoted as we were preparing for a challenging game:

“And let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.”

Yes, just this small short half of a sentence that we would take to provide some sort of Biblical encouragement that we were going to play our best for the Lord. However, this one tiny sliver of a verse was taken out of context. Hebrews 12:1-2 says,

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”

I highlighted the quote from above to point out that a “race” is simply more than a volleyball game. Moments of joy, trials we face, the regular day in and day out make up our own individual race. My mom is running a race, I’d like to think a marathon. We have invited all of you to walk alongside us as we enter a new trial she’s encountered on her race. During this time, we ask not only that you, our witnesses, pray for healing, but that you pray for my mom to lay aside this heavy weight, only to look to Him, “the founder and perfecter of our faith”. I cannot tell you how much I admire my mom for clinging to the Lord during this time. Her heart’s affections have only been stirred for Him, and she longs to be in the Word each morning. I’m sure this new role she’s in, leaving her unable to provide like she has in the past, as a mom and grandma (Nema), has left her feeling a bit weak in the knees. Thankfully, when we can’t seem to hold our own, Jesus steps in to be our rock. He is our comfort, stability, and is always steadfast in love.

Isaiah 33:5-6

“The LORD is exalted, for he dwells on high; he will fill Zion with justice and righteousness, and he will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is Zion’s treasure.”

Psalm 107:6-9

“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way till they reached a city to dwell in. Let them thank the LORD for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.”

Whatever weight you’re carrying, or whatever sin may be holding you back, I encourage you to run your race with endurance. He is your stability, and he will bring you satisfaction–even when you don’t feel worthy of His grace & mercy. He went and died on the cross, endured the greatest pain imaginable, so we don’t have to. When doubt creeps into your mind, remember, He did that for you. Let that sink in today.

Here are some pictures of my mom’s former players from last Friday night when my mom earned the “Heart of a Marauder” award. Their love for her was overwhelming to see. My mom has touched so many lives. How can you not love Coach Cooke? *You’re also never too old to sit in your mom’s lap.*

Bread and Water

Have you ever been so hungry that you indulge in food only to find yourself starving thirty minutes later? My husband, Chris, usually gets this way when we eat sushi. He scarfs down roll after roll of sushi only to be scrounging in the kitchen half an hour later. Chris is satisfied immediately after he eats, but that fulfillment doesn’t last.

I immediately thought of this situation when I was reading in John 6, how Jesus is the Bread of life. Let’s keep in mind that He feeds the 5,000 bread, and feeds the Israelites manna (bread) in the wilderness.  Bread has been a way that Jesus provides for His people’s physical hunger. In the book of John we see how Jesus walks on water to get the disciple’s boat back to the land of Capernaum. People began to follow Jesus because of the they saw signs that He was Christ. Jesus was there for His people in the midst of a storm to provide for them spiritually and physically. Storms come into our lives when we least expect it. As I read Lysa TerKeurst’s, Finding I Am, she posed a question that brought conviction to my soul,

“Do you think people would try to fill their spiritual hunger if all their physical needs were continually met?”

I had to stop right here and ask myself, pertaining to the specific storm I am currently in:

Why am I following Jesus?

Am I like the crowds who simply want their bellies filled, or am I coming to Him because He is Bread to me?

If my mom is healed, will I continue to seek Jesus (Bread), or will I grow distant because he filled my immediate “physical” need?

In the past when trials would enter, I would run to Him immediately, but would find myself only weeks later to be distant once again. Jesus was my bread for immediate hunger, but not the Bread of everlasting fulfillment.  Jesus would be the one who I turned to for my “physical” needs (I like to think of physical as not just hunger, but immediate needs), and once those were met, I didn’t need Him anymore. I kept going back to earthly things that would never fully satisfy my heart, and turn to Jesus only when I really needed Him to fix something. He became my last resort when trials entered into my life.

This never-ending cycle reminds me of the Samaritan woman and Jesus’s interaction at the well in John 4. My heart is deeply touched by this story because I see myself as the Samaritan woman, unworthy of the water that never causes you to thirst no more. Jesus says to the Samaritan woman in regard to the water of the well she draws from daily, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4: 13-14

Thankfully, Jesus is our Bread and Water, and He sees us worthy to offer that to us daily.

John 6:35 says,

“Jesus said to them, I am the bread of life, whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.”

It’s easiest for me to run to Jesus in the middle of a storm. What about the days when the storm has past? Previously, I would return to drawing from other wells, the ones that wouldn’t provide lasting fulfillment. My mom and I chatted this morning over our quiet time. She shared with me that she read about how, not only does God never give us anything we can’t handle, but He never gives us anything that we can’t handle–together. He’s being our bread and water to get us through any obstacle. He sustains us whether we think we have everything under control, or when we feel we need Him most.

“Jesus is the source of satisfaction that will not leave us wanting.” -Lysa Terkeurst

I encourage you to think about what well you are drawing from. Are you eating bread and drinking water, or are you finding fulfillment in the Bread and Water that Jesus provides? I am thankful that it is His well that satisfies my soul.

Chemo Day 1

Living in the Fullness of God

To prevent double posting in the same day I saved this post for ya’ll today, my mom’s very first day of Chemo! Is that even a thing, to do a double blog post in one day??  Just so you all know, it was very tempting to share my airport experience immediately with you in real time. I sat down to prepare for my flight home that was scheduled to take off at 8:40 P.M. from Dallas to Denver. I checked my phone for any possible flight changes to discover that my flight had been delayed, and wouldn’t take off until 10:00 P.M. So unfortunate….and what else do you do in an airport other than people watch or read? I wanted to unplug from my phone for a bit so I picked up the current book I’m reading, Uninvited by Lysa Terkeurst. Yes, I am reading a book while simultaneously doing a study that she has written, and both are extraordinary! Anyways, I am reading along and suddenly cannot help but look around to see where this awful snoring is coming from. Sure enough, right across diagonal from me there is a man–mouth wide open, sawing logs just like my dad. I decided to plug my headphones in, but I haven’t acquired the “multi-tasking” skill of reading while listening to music. Therefore, I was inclined to write another post.

When I turned on my iTunes the song “You Make Me Brave” by Bethel Music and Amanda Cook came on first. Before you read on, I encourage you to stop and listen to this song (maybe you, unlike me, can listen and read at the same time).

Even though Uninvited isn’t a book targeted specifically towards individuals who have a loved one going through cancer, I have found little nuggets that can be applied to a magnitude of circumstances, including the current season I am in. I hope that whatever season you’re in, whether it be the waiting, or in the middle of the storm, that you find encouragement here. I quote from the back cover of Uninvited, “Uninvited reminds us we are destined for a love that can never be diminished, tarnished, shaken, or taken—a love that does not reject or uninvite.”

In the fourth chapter, Terkeurst talks about how when we feel rejected, our flesh will want to grasp at straws, paranoia sneaks in, and our mind assumes the worst—leaving us in fact, feeling more rejected. I found myself relating these “symptoms” to when I don’t feel like I have control of a situation.  I’m learning what lack of control truly feels like, and to know that it’s okay to not have my brave face on the entire time. How easy is it to reach for anything or anyone before we turn to the Lord? We grasp at what is within arm’s reach to find comfort, but there is only One who can bring us fullness. I know, this is much easier said than done. Trust me, I am one who is all too familiar with clinging to anything/anyone other than Him when rejection, fear, lack of control creep in. The pattern never fails, when I believe lies from the enemy that I end up reopening past wounds. “Onward Christian Soldier,” are the words that come to mind when I think about seeking the Lord during this time rather than reverting to old habits. I am aware that there will be temptations to revisit those “old friends”, but when I am deceived to grasp at straws I will remember that fullness is found in Him. I know you may be thinking that I always sound positive, but my struggles are very real. There are negative thoughts, doubt, and idols that entire my mind daily, and even at times seem more appealing to turn to in the moment. Distance from the Lord is a feeling that I have gotten to know in my past. Thankfully, God is ALWAYS there to meet me where I am. God provides fullness within us, and Paul’s prayer for the Ephesians describes that fullness:

“For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:14-19)

There are many things that I am not that God is able to step in and be for me. It must be His riches and mercy that I find strength in. I sat in the airport thinking about how my mom would begin chemo and began wondering how the treatment would affect her. You hear that people react differently to treatment and that it’s never known what is to be expected. This was one of my biggest points of sadness when I found out my mom had cancer. I hated imagining my mom having to endure chemo treatment and questions flooded my mind, “Will she lose her hair? Will she feel nauseous? Will she be exhausted? Will she be able to sustain treatment each week?” The element of fear is present in my mind as I have no control over how my mom will respond to chemo through the nine-week series. God is working on my heart and teaching me every day to believe, have faith, and trust in Him. In 1 Peter 5:7 scripture says, “Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for You.” He is sweet and merciful to draw us in to Him, and I’m realizing He never fails to fill my every need.

When I am weak. He is strong.

When I have doubt. He is reassurance.

When I am confused. He is confidence.

When I am angry. He is love.

When I am unable. He is capable.

When I am unsteady. He is unchangeable.

When I am lost. He is faithful.

“If we live rooted and established in His love we don’t just have knowledge of His love in our minds, but it becomes a reality that anchors us. Though winds of hurt and rejection blow, they cannot uproot us and rip us apart. His love holds us. His love grounds us. His love is a glorious weight preventing the harsh words and hurtful situations from being a destructive force.” – Terkeurst Uninvited

Whatever hurt or rejection you are facing today, join me in trusting in the Lord to bring you fullness in Him. Let Him be your anchor in the midst of whatever season you’re in. Let go of everything you are, and grasp onto everything that He is. Today, I am letting go of fear, control, and doubt. Today, I choose to trust in His capability to do ALL things and rest in confidence in Him because His plan is to bring glory to His name. He brings everlasting fulfillment.

My mom is grasping onto Him (literally) today as she enters her first round of chemo. She’s such a warrior!

Count it All Joy

Counting it ALL Joy

James 1:2 was the verse that came to mind as I began my quite time this morning.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

The above is the NIV version (I liked this one because it kindly included, “and sisters.” The ESV version of James 1:2-3 reads:

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.”

“Count it all joy,” is what scripture says to do when we meet trials in our life. Whether our trials seem as small as the size of an ant, or as big as mountains, we are called to count them as a JOY.  As a quick side note, does anyone else think of the song we sang as kids at church camp, “J is for Jesus, O is for others, Y ei ei ei ei ei is for you you you” (and we would insert “your mama”). Sure, insert your eye rolls, but we were kids just loving to sing about JOY and Jesus.  You’re welcome for taking you back down memory lane.

JOY. One simple word that if used as a noun means, “a feeling of great pleasure and happiness,” or if used as a verb means to “rejoice”. I remember immediately thinking about these words right after I found out that my mom had been diagnosed with cancer. I turned, looked at Chris with watery eyes, and asked, “I’m supposed to consider this trial a JOY, right?” In that moment I didn’t feel happiness, pleasure, or a need to rejoice. Not one bit. It’s amazing what God can do in your heart within a matter of days, hours, minutes. Now, I’m getting to how this word, JOY, correlates with my quiet time this morning.

Jesus Feeding the 5,000

First of all, I believe that Jesus is capable of miracles. We see Jesus perform them all throughout the Bible. Jesus feeding the 5,000 during the Jewish Passover Festival, which celebrates God as a deliverer, is reassuring that our Lord is here in the waiting. I had to ask myself, “What is it that I have asked God for time and time again with no tangible results?” There were a couple of things that I thought of, but found myself asking the Lord to open and soften my heart to hear from Him, to trust Him. I will keep hoping, keep praying, and keep watching for His hand. We know God is working in this season of waiting, and looking forward, even if we don’t clearly see  God’s work at the moment, that doesn’t mean He isn’t working.

After reading John 6:1-15 we see that a crowd was following Jesus because, “they saw the signs that he was doing on the sick.” Jesus saw that people were looking for food to consume at their feast, so He asked His disciples Philip and Andrew what they should do (of course already knowing what He would do). To Philip and Andrew this was an impossible situation to feed the people. Thankfully, our God seems to show up in seemingly impossible situations in our lives. What a joy that is. If God can provide enough for 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish, what can He NOT do? I struggled at first thinking about how God had shown up in seemingly impossible situations in my life or in the life of someone I know. Then, as if a layer was peeled back, the ways God has shown up on multiple accounts in my life and others I know came to me wave upon wave. He is faithful. For that, I am thankful, and from being thankful  joy is produced.

Thankful is the other word that stands out to me today. John 6:11 says, “Jesus then took the loaves, and when he had given thanks, he distributed them to those who were seated.” All He did here was say a blessing, but that blessing provided a miracle for 5,000 people. How often do we forget to thank God for what He’s done and for who He is?

“Maybe you feel too heartbroken to be thankful.

Maybe you feel too hurt to be thankful.

Maybe you feel too fearful to be thankful.

Maybe you feel to disappointed to be thankful.

Maybe you feel too mad to be thankful.

Maybe you feel too depressed to be thankful.

Maybe you feel too hopeless to be thankful.”

-Lysa TerKeurst. Finding I am

I added a few of my own:

Maybe I feel too doubtful to be thankful. Maybe I feel too confused to be thankful.

I will tell you what I am thankful for, that no feeling could mask.

• I am thankful my mom knows the Lord as her Savior.
• I am thankful that I have seen my mom’s affections for the Lord grow.
• I am thankful that I have been able to spend quiet time in the Word along side my mom. This is something that I have never done, praise God for these sweet moments.
• I am thankful that my family has support through one another and friends.
• I am thankful that my mom is strong.
• I am thankful for my husband, Chris, and for him being so gracious as I travel back and forth from Colorado to Texas.
• I am thankful for my work, Fierce45, who is more than understanding and willing to let me take time away to be with my mom.
• I am thankful for the Lord watching over my mom as she begins chemo treatment (TOMORROW). Once again, join me in praying for her.

I could go on and on. Even in the midst of the trials there is joy. It’s easy to be thankful for many things when we set our negative emotions aside. Today I rest in having  JOY in the trials and all of the things I am thankful for. Reminiscing on these sweet memories from the beginning of the summer:

 

In case you don’t know the song I referenced to earlier, I have added the link to the video for your personal entertainment. Once again, you’re welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

Even When it Hurts

 

Our former pastor, Matt Chandler, would often reference in service, “You never know when you’re going to get the call that changes everything.” I grew up  fortunate to never have any of those phone calls. I honestly never thought that I would be the one to get a “call,” let alone understand what the receiving end would feel like until last Sunday, September 19, at 6:08 P.M. The call lasted only nineteen minutes, from my mom (and sister). My mom started off conversation like she normally does, light and easy, then began to let me know that she had been feeling out of breath, couldn’t carry anything heavy, and went to the doctor to get everything checked out. She said, “The doctors ran a CT Scan, and it didn’t come back good. The doctors said stage four gynecological cancer…they’re thinking ovarian.” The doctor later confirmed it is in fact ovarian cancer, stage four.

“Hold it together,” I thought as I paced back and forth on my back patio. That maybe lasted a split second before I was dead silent. Not because of the pure shock, but because it was the uncontrollable, ugly cry you do when you don’t want anyone to hear the downright obnoxious, bust-out balling that is about to come out of your mouth. It happened anyways. All of the questions/comments, “How can this happen?” “It isn’t fair.” “Mom, I love you.” came out in waves. No need to ask for details when the “C” word is involved, right? Rest assured my sister, Brooke, was there on the phone as well to provide comforting words and reassurance that all would be okay. It has to be okay. My mom is too strong and too great for this to not be okay.

Monday morning my husband, Chris, and I woke up at 3:00 A.M. to drive three and a half hours to hike up Hanging Lake. Hanging Lake is one of the prettiest hikes I’ve ever been on, with a waterfall that will make your mouth drop. The entire time Chris and I were hiking I thought, “Wow, how majestic is this place? Oh wait, my mom still has cancer.” I couldn’t not think about my mom having to endure chemo, be tired, uncomfortable, anxious, etc. I kept wondering why this had to happen to her. I kept thinking about all of the things she would miss out on, how my dad would be lost without her, and all the lies the enemy tries to feed us.

BUT GOD. Two words that change and wipe away all of the negative thoughts out of my mind. When there is doubt, uneasiness, anxiety, etc. there is Truth that we will cling to.  His Truth. Plastered on my mom’s bathroom mirror to see first thing when she wakes up every morning.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

– Isaiah 41:10

We will not fear, and we will have HOPE in the Lord, because with Him all things are possible. Join us in prayer as my sweet mom will begin her first (of nine) round of chemo on Tuesday. She’s a fighter, ya’ll. How could you not be with these two cuties by your side?

Even When It Hurts by Hillsong United