Hope

Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

-Genesis 28:15

Polar Express and Lauren Daigle are accompanying me as I begin to write. Spencer and Avery are currently within feet, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude for these two souls the Lord has blessed Chris and I with. Our joy has remained constant as the season of Advent is upon us. Remembering Christ’s birth and His promise to one day return has sparked joy and hope after the loss of my mom. Tears of sorrow have come in waves, sometimes uncontrollable and unending. My mom would have been sixty-four this year, on December 29th. Oh how we miss her, with a yearning to be reunited. The holiday season has left us longing for my mother’s presence, and even more so, the return of our King.

I’ve realized that it’s possible to hope amidst loss. It is normal to hurt. Occasionally, I wrestle with the question of, “Am I allowed to still be hurt?” Of course I am. I am on a journey of healing hope that proceeds in God’s timing and at my own pace. I recently read in my devotional Grief: Walking With Jesus by Bob Kellemen, “It’s important that we honor the ‘nowness’ of our pain.” As believers, we see Romans 8:28 quoted about how God will work all things together for good, and I’ve noticed that there are times when I haven’t reached the twenty-eighth verse of Romans chapter eight mentally. Grief isn’t a race to say that God is good, because He is good all the time. I know deep down in my soul that He is working all things for my good, but I don’t feel that in my heart on a daily basis. Romans 8:17-27 reminds me that there is suffering, groaning, and weakness prior to remembering that God works all things together in my favor. I will experience suffering, but it is the Spirit who intercedes on my behalf. Thankfully, the end doesn’t result in me left alone with tears, unable to put my moaning into words. The Lord never leaves us in the casket of despair.

The Psalms are often quoted and referred to in giving thanks to the Lord. As I flip through my mom’s Bible, there are many verses in the book of Psalms she underlined. I understand why my mom liked the Psalms so much. As much as they’re about Thanksgiving, the Psalms are about lament as well. Psalm 13 is an example of anguish before hope, or thanksgiving. David feels as though he has been forgotten, that the Lord is hidden. He cries out, “How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?” I imagine my mom had felt forgotten numerous times. Cancer became her normal in a world crippled with disease. What a mixture of emotions her battle brought to all of us. Rejoicing in Truth, lamenting for the inevitable, yet hoping for a miracle of healing. Psalm 13 is a passage where it seems as though there is unending sorrow for David. All he wants is to be considered and felt seen by the Lord. In our deepest pit of despair, I think we all cry out to be seen…to be heard…to be saved. Then in verse 5 David says,

But I have trusted in your 
   steadfast love; 
my heart shall rejoice in your
   salvation. 
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully 
   with me."

What a flip of the switch. But God. The above words are highlighted in my mother’s Bible. HOPE. My mom must have felt at times that the Lord was no where near to her, abandoned. We may feel as though He isn’t listening according to how we are praying, and we may not know how to pray, but it is His salvation that we find hope in. She found comfort even in her trials, for that I am grateful. Her heart rejoiced in our Creator’s salvation. I love the saying, “I am His and He is mine.” She is His and He is hers. Even though our sufferings might feel overwhelming, unspeakable, there is hope. Friends, let us settle in and find comfort in a Father who has prepared a place for us in Heaven regardless of our troubles we face on Earth. He is there, in Heaven. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is here. Let us be reminded that our God is a promise keeper, who will return for ultimate restoration. Our Lord is worthy of our faith because He keeps His promises. This past week my Pastor, Stefan Jackson, put it perfectly when he said in reference to God’s faithfulness, “His faithfulness is birthed out of love for us, so He is worthy of our love for Him.” Consider the joy and hope that is in the news of the Gospel and the Lord, Jesus Christ. He will return, and what a glorious day that will be. Wishing a Merry Christmas to you all.

“The King is coming. Jesus Christ has come and will come again. This is the hope of the Church whom He purchased with His blood. Jesus’ coming is the eager expectation and desire of His people. It is our joy because He is our treasure and greatest good. This is the theme of “Advent,” formed from a Latin word meaning “coming” or “arrival.” It’s the traditional celebration of the first advent of Jesus in humility and the anxious awaiting of His second advent in glory. The season is a time for remembering and rejoicing, watching and waiting.” –The Village Church Advent Guide

Give Thanks

I recently read that shared sorrow is endurable sorrow. Here I am again, after nearly two years of writing. Why now? Why write for all to see? Well, since my mom received her diagnosis, I’ve had two babies, life in general has happened, a pandemic broke out that rocked our world, I’ve lost my job, and have started a new venture in Real Estate…are you bored yet? The reason I write is because it’s therapeutic for me, and like I said above, shared sorrow is endurable sorrow. My desire is that you can find hope and encouragement in the words I write. We’re here on this earth for just a short period of time and I’d love to walk alongside together, through thick and thin, giving our God all of the glory in every season.

If you’ve been following my journey, you know my mother has passed. She went to be with the Lord on October 31, 2020. Our family now faces our first Thanksgiving holiday without her. I’m not here to be a downer, after all, Thanksgiving is all about giving thanks. This week I found myself longing to call and pester my mom with my questions of how to make her Thanksgiving recipes just right. Throughout adulthood I’ve acquired my own recipes, but there are family staples she perfected that I long to replicate. I’m going to share one with you at the end of this–get excited! 

This morning I sat down with my mom’s Bible in hand, my first time to read her Bible since she passed. Just a month ago, I spent the last week of my mom’s life next to her bed. My mother-in-law so graciously came to watch the girls and help Chris the week I was in Texas. I was able to be with my mom, fully present, not worrying about nursing or nap times and fussy babies. Today, my fingers traced along the worn cover of her Bible. I imagine if she were here right now, we’d both be cozied up on the couch together, coffee in hand, and enjoying our quiet time with a snowy view. Sharing quiet time with the Lord wasn’t always a thing for my mom and I. Those sacred moments began once she was diagnosed. My mom had always encouraged church involvement and poured herself into my activities. When she was diagnosed, there was a shift in intimacy in her relationship with the Lord, which overflowed into her and I’s relationship. My mother’s desire to know and trust the Lord grew, as did mine, and in return our love for one another multiplied. 

I thumbed my way through and found scriptures underlined and highlighted throughout her Bible. Many verses or passages had “cancer” written beside them, as she had found encouragement from those specific words. My mom loved the Psalms. As I kept thumbing my way through pages, I came across a note dated on August 29, 2017, from a friend who offered my mom uplifting words after receiving the news of her cancer diagnosis. The note read, 

“God is in control and will give you the peace and strength to do what needs to be done. He wants your faith to be your witness and your testimony. He’s got your back in this! And he’s got your hand to lead you through the valleys. Give Him praise on a daily basis for all things and He will bless you.” 

My mom had kept her friend’s letter tucked in her Bible for years, hanging onto the heartfelt words. This note was a treasure to my mom and now a gem that I share with you all. Through a season filled with grief, I am reminded once again, that God is still in control. He will bring peace and strength. He has my back in this and is holding my hand as I walk through the valleys–for that, I will continually give praise to Him. My mother’s body may not have been healed from disease on this earth, but her soul has been redeemed and renewed in Heaven. Cancer doesn’t win, because it is God who gets the glory. There is hope. Our God is still God, and He is still good. Let’s give thanks. 

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.” 

-Psalm 46:1-3

Okay, here’s the family recipe. Ronnie’s Dip–let me tell you, this is a family favorite. Every holiday my mom would make this, and now, I don’t think there’s a holiday that passes when Ronnie’s Dip isn’t included in the spread. It isn’t too late to whip this up for your holiday feast.

Ronnie’s Dip

• 1 (8 oz.) pkg. Cream cheese
• 2 green onions, chopped
• ½ pt. Sour cream
• ½ green bell pepper, chopped
• 1 jar dried beef, chopped or blended

Rescuer

When Hope is Lost

I hear the whisper underneath your breath

I hear you whisper, you have nothing left

She said, “We aren’t to that point yet,” regarding my dad retiring in order to take care of my sick mother. My mom then went on to say how eventually the time would come when my dad would have to take care of her, she just knew it. I wondered to myself, “Has my mom begun to accept and find peace in the realization that her disease might bring her to eternity earlier than she had planned?” Doubt. Has she given up hope that our Lord can heal her? Panic ran through my body after interpreting my mothers words as acceptance of defeat. I countered with the fact that only our God knows the number of our days, and that she could still go into remission permanently. Throughout my mom’s battle with cancer, I have always strived to remain hopeful and positive. There has been a longing and anticipation that she will be cured. However, this second go ‘round has been much more of a challenge to remain uplifting, and I have had to ask the Lord to help me with my unbelief more times than I’d like to admit. I never want to put Him inside of a box, and limit what He is capable of. Tonight, when I opened a new book I am reading, None Like Him by Jen Wilkin, her words jumped out at me. You know when you see or read something that speaks directly to you? Boom! Her words were it:

“The God of the Bible is infinite—immeasurable, unquantifiable, uncontainable, unbound, utterly without limit. We cannot take the full measure of him no matter how hard we may try. We cannot confine him to a physical or mental boundary. We cannot control him, and we can never stack up favorably beside him.”

Our God is infinite, meaning He is limitless, endless, impossible to calculate. He is boundless and never-ending. The Lord of the universe is all-knowing and I find myself struggling to fully trust in Him without desiring complete control. Certain life situations have brought me to the realization of how small and limited I am in determining the outcomes. I truly have to lay my fears, failures, and doubt at the feet of Jesus. Thankfully, our God is not hidden. He is visible all around in the landscape of His creation; the depths of the ocean, the height of the tips of mountains, colors of Autumn leaves, and the immaculate taste of food are some of the ways the Lord presents Himself. We only receive a small glimpse of who He is in the details of His creation, but in those precise attributes, we realize how intricately our lives have been planned out. 

Wilkin went on to list scripture from Job 11:7-9

“Can you find out the deep things of God? Can you find out the limit of the Almighty? It is higher than heaven—what can you do? Deeper than Sheol—what can you know? It’s measure is longer than the earth and broader than the sea.”

Limitless God

I will send out an army to find you

In the middle of the darkest night

It’s true, I will rescue you

The immeasurable God is the measurer of ALL things. He knows the number of hairs on our head, grains of sand,  length and depth of the oceans. Need I go on? He has every intricate detail of creation, including our lives, planned to the second. There is no measurement of time, space, or physical aspect that catches Him off guard. I firmly believe that the Lord knew my mom would be diagnosed with cancer, because He is sovereign, Ruler, and in control of all things. I hold no power or ability to heal my mom, nor change a lot of circumstances I would love to step in and alter the outcome of. For the single mother who had their baby daddy walk out, I cannot bring them back, but God knew you would feel abandoned and alone. Yet, He is there to help you pick up the pieces and be your Rescuer. To the girl who was abused, He endured beating for you and knows your pain. For the girl who thought she had to be someone for a man to accept her, therefore gave herself up fully, only to look back with regret, a God who loves you deeply sees you and knows your every thought. Although, I cannot begin to grasp the limitlessness of God, I can rest assured that He is in control. A God with unbound love for us, desires to know us and to be known. Rest in the fact that a God, who is the perfect Author and Creator, knows your story and is there to guide you along the way. 

“Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand and marked off the heavens with a span, enclosed the dust of the earth in a measure and weighed the mountains in scales and the hills in a balance? Who has measured the Spirit of the Lord, or what man shows him his counsel?”

-Isaiah 40:12-13

God is our Advocate

During the darkest times when we need a Rescuer, it is then that He reveals more of Himself, and just how little control we have. Rather than accepting defeat in our darkest hours, we must realize that we are not God. Only He is able to deliver and heal us entirely from any sickness, struggle with sin, that might be leading us into the desert.

I will never stop marching to reach you

In the middle of the hardest fight

It’s true, I will rescue you

Regardless if our rescue is into His arms in Heaven, or here on earth, our God is fighting for us daily. In every season, the good and bad, He is there advocating for us. Rest in the fact that He is chasing after you, right now. Circling back around to my mom’s current situation, I understand reality of statistics for Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer and that they say there is only time, BUT God. Remember that huge BUT in your hardest struggle today. You are loved and cared for deeply.

For those who have been following along my mom’s journey, we ask for prayers for complete healing. Her side effects this time around have included nausea, restless nights, and headaches specifically her first week when she receives three drugs in one day. Going into the holiday in anticipation of Christ’s return, we long for a pain free holiday for my mom. 

Song lyrics by Lauren Daigle

“Who is like you, O Lord, among the gods? Who is like you, majestic in holiness, awesome in glorious deeds, doing wonders?

-Exodus 15:11

Ever Trust You

“If ever the world needed the witness and testimony of Christian people it is at this present time. The world is unhappy, it is distracted and frightened, and what it needs is to see stars shining out of the heavens in the midst of the darkness, attracting the world by rebuking that darkness, and by giving it light, showing how it too can live that quality of life.” – Martyn Lloyd-Jones

Recurrence. Once again, her words rang loud and clear through the phone, “The doctor said the results are not good.” As each word came out of her mouth, her voice cracked and trembled. Fear. I heard it and felt it more than the first time she had told me about the vicious disease that had spread throughout her body. Fear. Crippling my every thought in that moment making me want to curse and scream. Why? Surely, six months couldn’t be all there was before the remission vacation was over. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end…right? His final masterpiece…what could that be? I don’t want to say I was disappointed that God didn’t move in the way I expected Him to during my mom’s first dance with cancer. God showed up and answered my number one prayer request during that time. I longed desperately for my mother to be there for the birth of Avery. These pictures were taken from that day and during our newborn session. Precious moments that I will hold dear for the rest of my days.

 

Not only was my mom there in the hospital room for the actual birth, she arrived an hour before I went into labor, helped Chris settle me in at the hospital, walked laps with me until I got the life-saving epidural, and kept me company for Avery’s first two weeks of life. God is so kind and orchestrated it all to happen more perfectly than I could have planned had I been in control. Selfishly, I just wanted God to do more.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.”

What do you do when life gets hard and you enter a challenging season of suffering? Do you run away from the Father, or turn toward the comfort of His open arms? First of all, dear friend, I pray that you run to, rather than sprint away from our Savior. I can only imagine how lost and lonely I would feel if I didn’t have a Father to put my hope and trust in during this season. If you have been hurt by people of the church and the church itself, I pray for there to be reconciliation, and that you can once again find love for a Father who knows and loves you deeply. During times of suffering, I can’t help but think of Saul (persecutor of believers in Christ)/Paul (persecuted for sharing the Gospel) upon welcoming my mom starting chemo treatment once more. Paul had once been known as Saul, persecutor of Christians, made new in Christ, known as Paul. In the book of Acts there are stories of how Paul shared the Word of God and was persecuted for it. Specifically in Acts 16:16-34, if you have time, I encourage you to read. Paul and Silas were being persecuted for helping a slave girl that they encountered on the road to Macedonia. Their clothes were torn off, they were beaten by rods, thrown into prison, and fastened by their feet in the stocks.

“Sometimes the fruit that God desires to bear in our lives is often produced over the long and sometimes difficult passage of time. He never forgets our labor of love.” -Kelly Minter

While Paul and Silas were in prison, they prayed and sang hymns to God for all to hear. As they were doing so, a great earthquake happened which caused all doors to be opened, and bonds of the prisoners to be unfastened. Suddenly, all of the prisoners were loose. One would imagine, they would run for freedom. However, the jailer awoke to find that Paul, Silas, along with the remaining prisoners were still there.

Acts 16:27-32

“When the jailer woke and saw that the prison doors were open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself, supposing that prisoners had escaped. But Paul cried with a loud voice, ‘Do not harm yourself, for we are all here.’ And the jailer called for lights and rushed in, and trembling with fear he fell down before Paul and Silas. Then he brought them out and said, ‘Sirs, what must I do to be saved?’ And they’ said, ‘Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household.’ And they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all who were in his house.”

Although beaten and imprisoned, Paul and Silas still worshiped the Lord, and He heard them. What a beautiful picture of God’s children being obedient to His word and risking their lives in hopes to save the lost. Even though they were bound in shackles, they found freedom in Christ. Not only were Paul and Silas protected, but the jailer and his household were saved. Joy must have radiated through Paul and Silas over people coming to know Christ in response to their obedience. A kind of joy that isn’t penetrable even after being beaten and thrown in prison. While it might be easy to believe that in order for us to experience a life of joy, our lives must be free from suffering, we saw how Paul and Silas rejoiced through song in the midst of being tortured and thrown into jail. I pray for a continuous, unwavering, joy like that. Joy that comes from believing in God. In verse 34, we see that there was a new-found joy in the jailer:

“Then he brought them up into his house and set food before them. And he rejoiced along with his entire household that he had believed in God.”

When all hope seems lost, He brings strength to restore our weakness, and to bring light to the darkest of days. Throughout my mom’s battle with cancer, my prayer has been for those who do not know Christ to come to know Him, and experience an everlasting joy that cannot be shaken regardless of the trials endured. Today, I am filled with joy because there is a hope and peace in my knowledge of something/someone greater beyond what life on Earth can offer. God is Healer, Comforter, and He is Sovereign over all. One song that I love specific lyrics to, is “Sovereign Over Us”

There is strength within the sorrow

There is beauty in our tears

And you meet us in our mourning

With a love that cast out fear

You are working in our waiting

You are sanctifying us

When beyond our understanding, You’re teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper

You have not forgotten us

You are with us in the fire and the flood

You’re faithful forever, perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

---

During this difficult time, I trust that God is making everything beautiful, in His time. Oh how I long for Jesus to return and for my mom to no longer have to bear the burden of having cancer. Oh Lord, let my mom be free from her shackles. He is healer and I am believing in Him performing a miracle as He has done numerous times throughout history. Please join me once again in praying for my mom as she begins chemo on Tuesday. Her treatment for the recurrence contains of six cycles of chemotherapy. Three weeks is equivalent to one cycle; two weeks on and one week off, then repeat. There are three drugs that my mom will be given during treatment: Gemzar, Carboplatin, and Avastin. Prayers that these three drugs serve their purpose in preventing new cancer cells, as well as causing the cancer cells to shrink and die. We are forever grateful for your prayers and support.

Melissa B. Kruger sums it up perfectly:

“We have much to celebrate. No matter what happens in our lives, if we’re under the reign of Christ, victory is secured. We may face hardships, struggles, relational discord, physical illness and other painful trials as we journey. But we will overcome in the end. All will be made right. One day we’ll be home with our King, fully at rest and secure for eternity.”

Love you all dearly. Jesus loves you.

 

 

True Freedom

Insecurities

The definition for insecurity I want to use from Google is, “uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.” Insecurities have become a friend of mine in my twenty-six years of life. By friend, I mean I know my own insecurities all too well. A month ago, as Chris and I sat down in Qdoba (don’t judge our healthy lifestyle) he asked me, “Lauren, what are your ministry goals for 2018?” Every year Chris and I discuss our goals for the current year that is about to expire, and set a vision for what we want the upcoming year to look like individually, and as a couple. I asked myself, “What do I want my ministry goals to be?” Chris’s question caught me off guard because he had never asked this specific question before. My first thought was to offer to help in the youth ministry at church…but I wanted to take it even further. Self-rejection quickly followed my big hopes and dreams to further God’s kingdom. Lies. I heard in my mind, “You’re not good enough” and “They’ll never accept you after knowing what you’ve done in the past.” What Chris hoped to be an inspiring conversation soon had me teary-eyed as I managed to choke down some of my chicken quesadilla. My own insecurities compiled with lies from the enemy flooded my mind. In that moment, I made the bigger picture all about me. Yes, these are my goals, but ultimately goals that serve the Lord’s kingdom. My credibility is what I thought mattered.

People won’t accept me if they knew I did ___________________.

Women won’t want me mentoring their daughter if they knew _______________ about me.

My followers will stop reading my blog if I revealed _______________.

People won’t think you truly love the Lord if they knew you __________________.

Do ya’ll see how dark and misleading these thoughts are? Fill in the blank with your own sentence stems that apply to your heart’s desires. Thankfully, Chris reeled me in to kindly remind me that it isn’t my credibility that matters, but Jesus Christ’s. I will falter with my words and mess up many times, but it’s Him who receives the glory for who He is and what He has done. Remember that friend. You and I both have it in us to be secure in who we are in Christ, regardless of our past and current struggles. I quickly realized that I needed to let my past sins be my past sins, and focus on God rather than myself.

Walking in the Light

Yes, I confess, my past sins have come back to haunt me and affect my current relationships because I never truly let them go. Believe it or not, I often went back to past sins, and contemplated committing those same exact actions once again. Even as a believer, I would re-engage in a snarling trap to fulfill the emptiness that my insecurities would bring. Hate for my sins is what I learned needed to happen in order for me to no longer look back and long to return to old habits that were unpleasing to the Lord. I read Beth Moore’s, “So Long, Insecurity” when I was in college and have recently been rereading through. Her first chapter title is Mad Enough to Change. Don’t worry, I will not write out the entire book right here, but I do highly recommend this book to all my girls, young or old. Mad enough to Change…before I read a word I paused to think, “Do the enemy’s lies and my own insecurities make me mad enough to do something about it?” Absolutely. My insecurities are what have lead me down a path of darkness numerous times, which the Bible states over and over that we are called to walk in the light.

 1 John 1:5-10 “Walking in the Light”

⁵ This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. ⁶ If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. ⁷ But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. ⁸ If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. ⁹ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ¹⁰ If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

My three takeaways from this passage of scripture are:

1.      When we walk in darkness there is no truth, or true freedom in Christ.

2.      We can’t have true fellowship with God while walking in darkness, because when we walk in the dark we do not live by the truth.

3.      It is impossible to walk with God while we walk in darkness. While living in the light, we can have fellowship with one another and Jesus Christ

Kelly Minter phrases it perfectly in her book What Love Is, “John’s reasoning is a little more straightforward: If God is light and there is no darkness in light, you can’t say you have fellowship with God while living in darkness. It’s a pretty simple formula.” Anyone else wish it was as simple to follow as it is to read? Darkness at times has been something I’ve tried to make work for me. Think of a time when your insecurities or a situation occurred that lead you to live in the darkness. For me, it was a past relationship that I tried to hide from friends walking in the light and my mentor at the time. The relationship wasn’t one that was glorifying to the Lord. After calling it quits, my insecurities kept calling out for affirmation from this guy, but I didn’t want anyone to really know about it. I would make up a different name in my phone for this person to hide the fact that I had been talking to him on and off for months. Crazy, right? Maybe you’re laughing to yourself because you’ve done something similar. It sounds silly. Looking back now, I laugh at how ridiculous it was for me to live in darkness for months—there was nothing beneficial that came from not living in the light. Only hurt, confusion, and messiness. Secret sins that I committed out of my own insecurities had kept me chained from experiencing true freedom in Christ for too long. Praise God for conviction—experiencing deep remorse and sadness over my behavior has kept me from continually walking, living in, and even enjoying, the darkness.

Does this mean that my insecurities will never cause me to walk in the darkness again? Lord help me, walking in darkness is officially a time of the past. Temptations and struggles will continue to arise and manifest in new ways. No longer will there be shame or disgrace that haunts me—for through conviction and deep sadness over my sin, the light has won. Thankfully, when we walk in the light, we have fellowship with other believers, and the blood of Jesus Christ.  Whatever it may be—lies from the enemies, your deepest insecurities, or past hurt that has caused you to turn away from the light…share it with those who are walking in the light. On the opposite end, if you know someone who claims Christ but has been living in opposition to God’s Word, consider praying about gently and lovingly talking to him/her (Galations 6:1). You are deeply loved and cared for by Someone who is eager for you to know and experience true freedom in Him.

Hello 2018

Reflecting Back on 2017

Happy New Year! I intended for this blog post to be published the first week of January, but as you can see that did not happen. Sometimes life has a funny way of occupying time in a way I hadn’t planned. 2017 flew by and I’m not particularly sad about it. Although there were many moments that Chris and I rejoiced over, there were times that brought us to our knees in grief and sadness. Chris and I moved to Castle Rock, Colorado back in the beginning of the year. The transition was more challenging than I would have anticipated. Chris and I quickly learned that long distance wasn’t for us and I chose to say goodbye to my sweet third graders in March, rather than June. After we moved, I was out of a job and looking for a new teaching position in Colorado. I began to substitute teach at various schools and quickly became discouraged because none of the schools felt like a right fit. While I was a substitute teacher in Colorado, I began working front desk at a workout studio called Fierce45. A studio manager position had opened, and my mind began to wonder what it would look like to obtain a different job.

New Beginnings, Unexpected Gifts

Considering another job opportunity was frightening but exciting at the same time. My identity was a third-grade teacher. I earned my college degree in Elementary Education and my first interview was my only because I accepted the position of third grade teacher at Friendship Elementary a month after graduating college. Weeks of back and forth led me to decide between a third-grade teaching position or to accept the Studio Manager position at Fierce45. Full heartedly, I accepted the Studio Manager position and never looked back. I was at an ultimate high, and Chris loved the fact that I came home energized (even after cooking dinner for him). Chris and I were about to go on a week-long trip to Gulf Shores with my family when I received a call from my dad that my grandmother had passed. We mourned, laid her to rest, then the following week we were on the beach with our toes in the sand. Isn’t it funny how life can take some pretty unexpected turns?

You are all familiar with the next unexpected turn that came in September. My mom had to make the call that no mother ever hopes to make to inform me of her Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer Diagnosis. I must be honest…I was not positive. Time, in my mind, was limited. The next holidays, birthdays, big events would be the last. I pleaded with the Lord to help me with my unbelief in Him to completely heal and restore my mom’s health. The Lord drew me near to him, and I shared sweet moments with my mother talking about who Jesus is, that I’ll never forget. Reality sunk in when I made my second trip to Texas after receiving the news of my mom’s diagnosis, when she was announced as the recipient for the “Heart of a Marauder Award”. Now the entire community was aware. Tears streaming down her former volleyball player’s faces, endless embracing hugs given, and our family coming together to support my mom as she entered her new season of life. Little did I know that the night Chris picked me up from the airport when I returned from Texas, we would discover that we would be entering a new phase of life as well…one that we hadn’t planned either. WE WERE PREGNANT.

Can we just take a moment to laugh at how incapable we are to plan out how our life will go exactly? Sure, we can set goals and make New Year’s resolutions—those aren’t bad or wrong things, but if you were to ask me what my goals were for the year of 2017, half of what life brought was not on my radar. Our lives are inconsistent, and every season brings change. There were moments when the unknown completely sabotaged by best plans, and others when the unknown rescued me from what I considered the “best” plans. One fact I want to take and build my life upon for the new year is quite simple. God does not change. That’s it.

James 1:17 says, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”

I believe that God gives us perfect gifts because He’s a good Father who never changes. Every single day of 2018 will bring blessings that are provided by Him. All His gifts and blessings will be perfect, even if I don’t consider them to be so during the time. I can look back at 2017 and count every day a gift, even when I was at my worst. As I listened to Matt Chandler’s last sermon of 2017 he said, “Sometimes the best gift, the most perfect gift God could give us is allowing difficulty, loss, and suffering to invade our human experience.” I know, how could difficulty, loss, and suffering be the most perfect gift? During the hardest trials of 2017, God drew me near to Him in a way that made me only love Him more.

James 1:2-4 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

My suffering and pain is ultimately for the Glory of God and my joy. Our difficulty, loss, and suffering all serves the purposes of God. I remember when I found out about my mom’s diagnosis wondering what God would do during this season. Questions such as, “What is God up to? What is He revealing to me? What is He removing from me?” crossed my mind as I anxiously waited for His plan to unfold. Prayers have been answered, but there are other items or “plans” on my agenda that I would love to see God show up in and complete (how I envision). Once again, my best plans are vulnerable to the unknown. Thankfully His plan never changes. He is constant. Every circumstance in 2017 has moved me closer to Him, and that is good. I hope for your 2018, that despite your best plans, you build your year upon the fact that He is never-changing. In the trials, let God meet you in a way that is rich, kind, and near. Allow Him to reveal things that you may be blind to.

Prayer Requests and Praises for my mom, Marcia:

·       Prayers that her final five treatments may be completed WEEKLY (this past week she was unable to receive treatment due to her blood platelet count being too low). This news brought tears of frustration, anxiety, and doubt.

·       PRAISE: If you read my blog post “You’re a Good Father” you saw that my mom’s CA 125 levels (number that detects the amount of cancer protein in the body) was 9,000 U/mL. Post-surgery, at her last appointment, the doctor told her that number was now 35 U/mL. Tears of joy and rejoicing over this news. To put this number in perspective, a normal average individual’s number is around 30 U/mL.

·       Prayers for continued positivity and that the cancer be eliminated completely in her last five treatments.

·       Prayers that this lady/my future baby’s grandma will get many years to love on our girl, and travel to Colorado!

Time Well Spent

Nearly three months ago, I received my mother’s phone call with the news that she had been diagnosed with stage four ovarian cancer. September, October, and November flew by, filled with nine rounds of chemo and a hysterectomy surgery. In the past three months, not only did I receive such heartbreaking news, but Chris and I found out exactly two weeks after my mom’s phone call that we were going to be parents! Remember how I talked about the Lord being our light in the darkness?

Isaiah 9:2 says, “The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.”

Truly, I tell you, His kindness to us in what seemed like one of the hardest trials has brought us a tremendous amount of joy. Great light has shone through in what appeared to be one of the darkest times.

For those of you that have been keeping up with my blog posts and updates on my mom, I want to bring you up to date on my mom’s latest surgery—I wouldn’t have such great reports if it weren’t for my sister’s note taking skills. Brooke has been such a Rockstar messenger, because my mom has what they call “chemo brain” and is often very forgetful! As I had mentioned in a previous post, my mother had two tumors. The tumor in her abdomen began at 10 cm and had shrunk to 6 ½ cm after chemo. Her ovary tumor began at over 5 cm and had shrunk to 2.8 cm. Already such great news! Before surgery, my mom’s doctor informed us that he would only operate on the “big stuff” and leave everything else that measured in millimeter size alone, in hopes that the next round of chemo would zap it. My mom grazed through surgery smoothly and our family received a good report afterward. The doctor was able to remove BOTH tumors from her abdomen area, as well as the tumor in her ovary. Remaining cancer cells were left in my mom’s chest area and bowel area. Today, my mom went in for her follow up appointment with her doctor. She decided to begin her next nine rounds of chemo NEXT WEEK (keep the prayers coming). Remission—yes remission, is what the doctor said my mom would be in once this next nine rounds of chemotherapy is finished. Thank you for continued prayers as my mom will begin her next nine rounds of chemo in the upcoming weeks. Join me in praying boldly for my mom to be able to receive treatment weekly, for her body to respond just as well as the first round, and for remission to be permanent without any recurrence. Let’s go TEAM MARCIA MARCIA MARCIA!

Let me switch gears here. Can I just make an honest confession really quick? Over the last three months I have been “blessed” to experience exhaustion during my first trimester of pregnancy. Ya’ll, it’s a real thing that I can’t even explain. All I could do was sit on my couch and watch TV, or sleep! Fast-forward to my second trimester now that I have more energy, this nasty habit of sitting on the couch watching TV has remained my close friend. I found myself coming home from work, plopping my happy self down, and turning on the television. Now, I could justify my TV time because there were moments where I was multi-tasking with work, Christmas shopping, registering for baby. All important things that must get done, right? After listening to Enter the Story of Jesus sermon by Matt Chandler I was smacked right in the face with the fact given by Matt that the average American watches five hours and four minutes (don’t forget that four minutes) of TV EACH day. “Holy Cow!” I thought, as I realized that I was the “average” person. Don’t get me wrong, I had been binge watching Grey’s Anatomy for the past two weeks every day for probably five hours and four minutes each day, so I am not casting any judgement on anyone. However, I realized that I didn’t want to be average, and that the Lord most likely didn’t put me here on Earth to binge watch television shows on Netflix for that insane amount of time. Pregnant or not, I have no excuse to not be up doing something to further His kingdom or grow deeper in love with my Savior.

 

Our current season has been filled with an incredible amount of anticipation. On one hand, wondering what my mom’s journey will bring, then on the other, wondering what our little bundle of joy will be: boy or girl? Regarding the current season of Advent, I am challenging myself and my husband to be in the word daily together. Along with my worldly anticipation of what is to come with my mom or our baby, there’s the anticipation of Christ’s return. I desire to slow down a bit this season to enjoy the birth of Jesus Christ, and reorient my heart to long for the coming of Jesus Christ. Distractions such as work, curiosity about the gender of our baby (TBD Dec. 22^nd), buying presents, attending events, wondering what the next few weeks will look like for my mom, etc. consume my mind daily. Ahh, deep breath. For this Christmas season, I want to set my heart’s affections on Him and await in anticipation the return of our King.

 

Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Concerning this salvation, the prophets who prophesied about the grace that was to be yours searched and inquired carefully, inquiring what person or time the Spirit of Christ in them was indicating when he predicted the sufferings of Christ and the subsequent glories. It was revealed to them that they were serving not themselves but you, in the things that have now been announced to you through those who preached the good news to you by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven, things into which angels long to look. Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 PETER 1:8-13

 

“The King is coming. Jesus Christ has come and will come again. This is the hope of the Church whom He purchased with His blood. Jesus’ coming is the eager expectation and desire of His people. It is our joy because He is our treasure and greatest good. This is the theme of “Advent,” formed from a Latin word meaning “coming” or “arrival.” It’s the traditional celebration of the first advent of Jesus in humility and the anxious awaiting of His second advent in glory. The season is a time for remembering and rejoicing, watching and waiting.” –The Village Church Advent Guide

 

My previous post talked about our Sovereign God and His goodness. I wanted to plug in this post from The Village Church. Take some time to read it this week—rather than minutes in front of the TV, fill your soul with His Truth.

You’re a Good Father

Yesterday my mom had her last of nine rounds of chemo! Can you believe it? It seems like yesterday I was just letting you all know that my mom had been diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. These past two months our family has begun adjusting to our new “normal”. No, nothing about cancer is normal, but I am incredibly proud of how positive our family has been—especially my mom. We all knew she would be a fighter, and to no surprise, she has glided through these past nine weeks gracefully. Today she went in for her CT scan, and will meet with the doctor next Tuesday to discuss plans for surgery. Please join me in prayer for the CT scans to show minimal cancer, for surgery to be non-invasive, and for the doctor’s hands in removing all cancer from my mom’s body. Yes…all. My mother’s CA 125 levels, which for those of you that don’t know what that number represents (because I had no clue), it detects the amount of cancer protein substance in the body. Anyway, the normal levels, according to the internet are 35 units per milliliter. Beginning chemo treatment, my mother’s CA 125 level was 9,000 U/mL. The doctor wanted her CA 125 number to be at 2,000 U/mL before performing surgery. Originally, we thought that my mom would have to have an additional five rounds of chemo after the first nine, wait for two weeks, have a scan, wait another week, then meet with the doctor to discuss surgery. HUGE praise, at my mom’s third to last appointment the doctor informed her that her CA 125 level was 1,000 U/mL which has allowed her treatment to be kept at just the nine rounds of chemo and the scan to be even sooner than planned.

 

Thankful. Maybe this word is cliché to use considering it is the month of Thanksgiving, but there isn’t another word that I can think of right now to sum up how I feel about the past nine weeks. I have an immense amount of gratitude that is overflowing from my heart. Despite how much I wish my mom didn’t have cancer, I am grateful for the Lord’s kindness to her in the last nine weeks. Being able to receive treatment each week, the ability to travel to Stillwater to see her beloved Oklahoma State Cowboys play and see family, Bruno Mars being an experience where she was able to be there (despite wearing a mask) are all good things. My mom has so elegantly walked through life these past nine weeks as though nothing was wrong with her. If her head wasn’t shaved, I don’t think anyone would ever be able to guess the struggles internally and externally she has faced. All the while, my mom has never once turned away from the Lord, nor grown complacent with her faith. She continues to seek Him daily and be filled with His love for her. Today, I am thankful because my mom is a child of God, and He loves her so dearly.

 

As I listened to Matt Chandler’s sermon, The Divine Sovereignty of God, Matt began talking about his love for his children. Matt mentioned that regardless of the season his children are in, whether he is angry or disappointed in the choices his children are making, his love for them does not waiver. I can only imagine that this love, a love a parent has for their children, is just a small glimpse of the Father’s love for us. Although my mom currently has a disease infecting her body, my Savior loves her just as much now as He did before. Even before my mother was born, the Lord called her His own. How sweet is that? Ovarian Cancer did not come as a surprise to God, despite our shock. He has so graciously carried her through numerous trials in the past and is evidently holding her tightly in her current season of life. He is good. He is kind.

 

Back when I was a member of a D-Group we memorized the Romans chapter 8. Yes, the entire chapter. There was even a catchy tune and that we would sing to help memorize scripture after scripture. I think Chris even started to memorize it with me as he heard the song repeatedly. Romans 8 is a special chapter to my heart, and one that brought me closer to the Lord. Matt quotes Romans 8:14-17 in his sermon The Divine Sovereignty of God:

“For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.”

As you’ve noticed, I have put the last phrase in bold. How could I ever be selfish to think that after the suffering Christ endured for me, that I or my family are immune to suffering? Trust me, there are plenty of times when the thought, “She doesn’t deserve this”, regarding my mom having cancer, runs through my mind.  However, through His suffering, and our belief in Him, He will lavish His riches upon us throughout eternity. God is good.

 

Usually in times of suffering, a go to verse is Romans 8:28:

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

 

Then another goodie is vs. 31

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”

 

What does good mean?  Since my mom loves the Lord, He will heal her? In my opinion, that is good. Not to be a downer or “Negative Nancy”, but I don’t think that what God intends as good always aligns with what I think is good.  According to Google, good is an adjective meaning “to be desired or approved of.” Cancer is not something that I ever desired for my mom to have…or approved of, but my approval has no authority here. There is a bigger picture than what I can see of what the Lord intends as good. I want to fill in the gaps here with verses 29 and 30 to establish what the Lord means as good:

“For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.”

Before we were born, as the Lord was creating the Earth, He loved us. Whatever He is doing, as Christians, we can rest assured that His works are for our good. Even though my mother is sick, there is good that has and will continue to come from this, because she belongs to Him. Good may not be interpreted as something positive in the moment, but because my mom has been created in the image of Christ, and is a fellow heir of Christ, what bad could come? Eternity? No, because His riches and mercy are for all eternity.  Regardless of the outcome, He will be glorified.  This is where vs. 31 comes in, because if we have the mindset and heart posture to give God the glory, there can be no one against us. The enemy will have no foothold here—we know the good news that Truth brings.

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but the word good is used numerous times in the Bible. Even in the beginning in Genesis 1:31, “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.” From the beginning God’s plan has been good. He will not forsake us from the goodness of His mighty hand. In the book of Philippians, it is said that the apostle Paul writes to the people of Philippi from prison. Chapter 1:3-11 is about Paul being thankful and praying for the people of Philippi.  In Philippians 1:6, Paul writes to the people of Philippi, “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” I am confident in this, God will carry out His good work in us, as believers, from beginning until end. Praise Him.

I love the song “Sovereign Over Us”. I encourage you to take no more than six minutes of your time and listen to this song. Click here to listen, below are the lyrics.

 

“There is strength within the sorrow There is beauty in our tears And You meet us in our mourning With a love that casts out fear You are working in our waiting You’re sanctifying us When beyond our understanding You’re teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper You have not forgotten us You’re with us in the fire and the flood You’re faithful forever Perfect in love You are sovereign over us

You are wisdom unimagined Who could understand Your ways Reigning high above the Heavens Reaching down in endless grace You’re the lifter of the lowly Compassionate and kind You surround and You uphold me And Your promises are my delight

Your plans are still to prosper You have not forgotten us You’re with us in the fire and the flood You’re faithful forever Perfect in love You are sovereign over us

Even what the enemy means for evil You turn it for our good You turn it for our good and for Your glory Even in the valley, You are faithful You’re working for our good You’re working for our good and for Your glory

Your plans are still to prosper You have not forgotten us You’re with us in the fire and the flood You’re faithful forever Perfect in love You are sovereign over us

You’re faithful forever Perfect in love You are sovereign over us”

 

Brothers and sisters in Christ, regardless of whatever trial or suffering you’re enduring, He loves you. As believers in Christ, we can rest assured that He will work everything for our good and His glory. Let’s be thankful for that this season. Even in our worst sufferings God’s word will not fail. Love you all.

Healing

I just want to start off with this quote from Lysa TerKeurst that I read the other day. I needed it today.

“Our God is not fickle, forgetful, or fragile in any way. He does not make mistakes. He purposes the gaps. He allows sacred spaces and blank places.”

Break My Heart for What Breaks Yours

In seasons when I want to cry out, “Why God?” I must remember that my question of why, may never be answered. The only answer I can think of that points back to Him, is that it’s for His glory. The past few days my heart has been deeply saddened over the news of multiple friends and family members that have had miscarriages. My heart breaks for the despair that my friends have felt. These women whom I love and cherish have played significant roles throughout my life. God has uniquely placed each woman in my life during a specific season to encourage me to be more like Him. Recently, one of these women told me, “Let me know if there is anything that I can do,” in regard to my mom’s diagnosis. Let me tell you, that this sweet woman, who I adore (basically wanted to be just like her in high school) has a gift of calligraphy writing. She had sent me a scripture that she prayed over my mom and family—instantly I knew what a positive reminder John 14:27 would be to my mom. Immediately, I asked my friend to create a page with John 14:27 beautifully written on a piece of paper to be framed in my mom’s room (as shown below). After viewing Facebook posts the past two evenings, I want to pray this scripture not only over my friend and her family, but for all my sweet friends who have endured hardships. May this verse be an encouragement to read, and may He give us a peace that surpasses understanding.

 

Whether it be a miscarriage, sexual abuse, divorce, cancer diagnosis, etc. my heart aches for your hardships and loss. John 14:27 assures me that Jesus wants us to have a supernatural peace within, and to give our troubles to Him regardless of whatever trial we are in. I know this is so much easier said than done, however we can do our part and pray.  Jesus is here to be intentional and speak into our hearts where we’re at. Sometimes I wish that His way of speaking and answering my cries would be to give me exactly what I want to happen right then. I would love for Him to perform the miracle of healing my mom entirely from the disease within her body today. When Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, Jesus waited two days to return to Bethany to perform this miracle. Upon Jesus’s arrival, Martha, Lazarus’s sister, went to meet Him and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” How often, when tragedy enters our lives, do we accuse God of being absent? I know there are times when I have questioned His presence in the midst of a storm. Waiting for Him to show up and perform a mighty work immediately, only to be disappointed that His plan didn’t align with my own. I am sure that Martha and Mary felt similar when Jesus was absent for Lazarus’s death, then took two whole days to return. Jesus had a purpose. Doesn’t He always? Jesus knew that He would heal Lazarus, but Mary and Martha felt in the dark during the waiting. Maybe there are questions and empty spaces in the waiting that you are anxiously anticipating the Lord to fill. Two days may not be the timeline for the Lord to fill your blank spaces, but remember, even when it appears God may not be there, He is moving. Even in the waiting, God is doing more than we can see.

One thing I love about Martha, is that her faith was real. Even though Martha was experiencing immense sadness over the death of her brother, Lazarus, Martha believed that Jesus could heal people because of who’s son He was. As Jesus and Martha’s conversation goes on in the chapter of John, Jesus lets Martha know that her brother will rise again—but Martha assumes her brother won’t rise until the resurrection at the final day. Let us not assume that Jesus will delay to take action in the plan He has for us.  In response to Martha’s presumption, “Jesus said to her, I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

I had to ask myself this question, DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?

Above all, do I believe that Jesus provides eternal life? Will I believe that Jesus knows the best way and trust Him at His word? Will I trust in Him completely? Even if there is a two day, maybe two-decade delay in His response, will I believe in Him? Will I believe, even if _________________ (fill in your own blank). Whatever it is that causes you to hesitate on saying “yes” to this question, I encourage you to confess this to the Lord. One thing that I constantly bring to Him, is for my Savior to help me with my unbelief. When I doubt His goodness, His plan, and presence I lay it before Him. There are times when I doubt God will provide His best for me or question His capacity of performing in His mighty way. Scripture then calls me back to Truth. I believe that He is fully capable of healing, bringing restoration, and truly able to do all things. He is the Resurrection and Life. Apart from Him, we don’t have eternal life. How kind is He to be our Life Eternally—which we know in Heaven, death has no victory. Praise God.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” –Philippians 4:6-7

 

Ya’ll, I must say, that even in this season of waiting, in taking one day at a time to discover the Lord’s plan for my mom, I have been blown away with the pictures showing your support for “Team Marcia”! Your pictures of you and family members wearing your t-shirts and the outpouring of messages assures us that you haven’t forgotten about the current trial we are facing. Text messages, Facebook comments, pictures, and gifts mean more than you know. My mom is going in tomorrow for her sixth round of chemo. I am amazed at how fast these nine weeks are going. My mom partied hard this weekend in Stillwater for OSU’s homecoming, and she looked fantastic while doing so! Continuously praying for her to be able to receive treatment each week. Thank you for walking alongside us, and for praying daily for my sweet mom.

The Lost Sheep

Fall, Fall, Fall

Last week when I returned to Colorado from my trip to Texas, I couldn’t help but be in awe of the colors of the leaves on the trees. Fall has always been my favorite season, and Colorado Fall has not failed to disappoint. I must tell you, ninety-degree humidity in the middle of September in Texas is NOT something that I missed. Returning to Texas and sweating as soon as you step out in the morning is miserable! Maybe I’ve been spoiled by the cool, crisp mornings in Colorado…I can’t say I mind the change of weather one bit.

Back to the leaves—the colors are stunning! I went out on a walk today to grab some leaves to show you just how remarkable the intricate design God has put into the colors of the leaves is. They’re just leaves, but the shades of reds, oranges, yellows, and greens, are impeccable. The way colors fade into and out from one another is breath-taking. As I examined each leaf I thought about how they represented change. Leaves begin in their typical green nature, then change colors, and eventually fall off their tree. As much as I love fall, there are already snow-capped mountains in the distance, reminding me that winter is coming. The beautiful leaves will no longer be able to sustain the harsh, freezing temperatures, leaving the trees bare. Seasons come in an ongoing cycle, consistent and ever-changing. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have a consistent cycle in our lives—something we could rely on as a constant reassurance for what is to come?

New Seasons Bring Life Lessons

Of course, that’s not how it works. Even though the seasons remain true in order, each season brings its own unique trials and celebrations. I was reminded of this today when I chatted with my sweet mother in law. Can I just say, not to brag, but how much of a blessing it has been to have a mother in law who fervently prays for me, pours into me, and loves me endlessly? I remember the first time I met Chris’s parents and how they laid hands to pray over me before I left their home. In that moment, I think I knew that this family was mine. They stole my heart even before their son could. Chris’s family has been there through many seasons of our relationship, and have never stopped checking in to see how they could pray specifically for both of us. Not only have they prayed for us, but there has been an incredible amount of wisdom they have provided (Godly and useful daily tips).

One of these useful tips I received from my mother in law today. I learned the importance of a spare key! A spare key isn’t just for when relatives come in from out of town, or to let the dog sitter in, etc. Sometimes we, as the owners, lock ourselves out of our home. Please tell me I’m not the only one who has ever done this. Today as I was on my walk, I noticed it was beginning to sprinkle, so I picked up my pace to get back home. I couldn’t wait to get inside. Remembering I had locked the front door from the inside, I put in the code for the garage, only to find that the garage door to the inside of our house was locked! Great. I called Chris in need of a rescuer to let me inside. Thankfully, he was in town—but this is what prompted my mother in law to make me ponder what I would have done if he had been out of town. First, I probably would have cried, panicked, call Chris and ask what to do, then react. Sometimes, I don’t know what I would do without Chris to help guide and lead me out of difficult situations. However, there are moments when I realize that I put too much trust in him to be my shepherd.

New Seasons Bring Uncertainty

About one year ago, during the Fall season in Texas (if you really call it Fall), Chris and I made the decision to move to Colorado. We knew it would be a journey that would bring discomfort, joy, and new opportunities for both of us. In October, our house went on the market, and we said goodbye to our first home November 20^th. From that point, we moved in with my parents (yea roomies!) and the challenges of our life ahead began. Reality sank in, and tough decisions had to be made. Chris was still working in Ft. Worth at the time, driving over an hour and a half to work, while I was driving forty-five minutes to an hour to work. I was still coaching volleyball, and at times had to travel back to my parents’ house after school to let our dogs out, then drive to volleyball. In the moment, I didn’t realize how much time Chris and I were losing to spend with one another, but such valuable time was lost during those days with how thin we had spread ourselves. Distance began to form not only between Chris and I, but between myself and the Lord. When the time came to make the decision to stay in Texas for the remainder of my year or move to Colorado, I chose to stay. I couldn’t bear the thought to leave my students or co-workers any earlier than I had to.  On the other hand, my husband and I would be living miles apart—for six entire months. I know, I know, looking back it should have been the easiest decision to make. Chris and I were getting mixed reviews on what to do—I relied on Chris to make my decision for me. Once again, I was trusting him to be my shepherd rather than the one true Good Shepherd to speak truth into my heart.

Days of loneliness followed once Chris left in mid-January for Denver. Anger, bitterness, and doubt filled my mind. How could my leader, my husband, let me make this decision that would lead us to be apart? I became isolated, believing lies about the truth of God. I didn’t even want to have anything to do with the Lord. I relied on Chris to come rescue me from being locked out, instead I needed my Savior. Even though I was surrounded by twenty-three students, co-workers, friends, and family, I have never felt more alone or confused. The enemy has a way of creeping in through any door that might be cracked open to manipulate us to believe that the safer, more fulfilling paths, are the ones apart from God. I can’t help but think what a lost sheep I was. Searching in all the wrong places for comfort rather than running to our friends who serve God with my tangled, confused thoughts. Instead of running to my Great Shepherd pleading for guidance and just to hear His voice, I waited for someone else to fix my problems for me. After a month went by without seeing Chris once, I realized that this was not how God intended for this season to go. Chris and I weren’t meant to begin our journey in Colorado separately, our Good Shepherd intended for us to start our new life in Colorado together. I thought to myself, “How in the world did I end up here?” “Why are Chris and I not in the same place beginning this new chapter of our lives together?” I had strayed from the Lord, desiring my own selfish ambitions rather than His plan.

God is Here to Save the Lost Sheep

Thankfully, our Good, Sovereign Shepherd never lets us lost sheep stay lost. Somewhere along the line, He finds us, picks us up off our feet, and draws us near to Him. My, what a Savior. Even when I don’t trust in Him to lead me, He is there to reassure me that His plan is good. Trust in Him. God was there to lead me out of my current wilderness, and lead me to Colorado over Spring Break, rather than in June. I was terrified to leave my normal. Teaching was my identity, my family was in Texas, and I had friends—co-workers that I cherished spending time with. Comfortable is how I would describe my situation. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line of comfort, I found security in my job, friends, and family rather than the Lord.  Lysa TerKeurst says it so beautifully, “I’m thankful that the Good Shepherd comes and finds us no matter how we get lost or how far we wander—whether it’s through willful disobedience or through just taking one bad step at a time until we are way off course.” I packed up my bags in March and went to be with Chris in Colorado—since that day the Lord has continuously lavished His blessings upon me, His once lost, but now found sheep.

Matthew 18:10-14 talks about the Parable of the Wandering Sheep. There are times when we can all get a little lost, or off track. How might we become lost? Does it happen overnight, do we turn away intentionally, or can it happen over time without us realizing it until we are convinced we are too far gone? We believe little lies that seem harmless, then eventually believe the biggest lies of all, which is why we are so desperately in need of a Savior. Remember last blog post when I said that it’s okay to not always be ok? I realize that is very true. Breakdowns will happen, sin will occur because we are imperfect. We will get lost. There will be times where we are simply not ok. However, I don’t think that it’s healthy to be in a constant phase of not being “ok”. Maybe you’re in a place like I was, feeling lost and wondering where in the world God is. Don’t lose heart. He’s there and will continue to search for you to bring you back to the rest of His flock. The Good Shepherd will not leave you alone. Cry out for His voice, His guidance, and He will rescue you. This is Truth.

James 4:8 says, “Come near to God and he will come near to you.”

I will continue to listen to His voice to guide me through the seasons of life. In my current season of one which would be so easy to get lost, He has been near to me. He has been near to my mom, when she could have veered off His path. Looking for His goodness in this season has been rewarding. God is here to save the lost, to know us and be known, and provide eternal life to all His sheep. Today I rest in the presence of the one true, Good Shepherd.

Update on my sweet mom:

Praises for white blood cell counts to be high enough for her to receive treatment this past Tuesday! Ya’ll, God does answer our prayers, and I want to thank all of you who have been prayer warriors. We can continue to pray those white blood cells stay high enough for my mom to continue to receive treatment each week. The month of October is a kind of big month for my mom with some major events coming up. Next weekend, October 14^th is Homecoming weekend at Oklahoma State. The last weekend of the month is…drum roll please…BRUNO MARS CONCERT! My mom had bought tickets for herself, my sister and, and me last Christmas, and our dreams are finally coming true to see this man LIVE. For both events, I pray, and ask you to pray with me, that my mom is able to attend and enjoy both events in full. I’m not sure if you’re aware of how strong my mom is, but she is such a fighter. She has completely embraced her new normal, which was a Jamie Lee Curtis look, but now she has completely let all her hair go.

After the next five rounds of chemo, my mom will have a two-week break, then the doctors will do a scan before they perform surgery. We pray that the chemo has shrunk and gotten rid of ALL cancer cells (praying boldly here) and if not all, most, for surgery to not be so invasive. My mom found out at her last appointment that post surgery will be another nine rounds of chemo. There’s a plan in place, so let’s pray that God flexes here within this time to restore my mother’s health. We are so grateful for all of you who walk alongside us during this time. Your support means the world.